When you are adopting, your child will be issued two things in the hospital.  One is the Birth Certificate and the other is a Social Security Number.  The original Birth Certificate completed in the hospital will state whatever name the Birthmother gives the baby.  The baby will also have the Birthmother’s or Birthfather’s last name and it will list them as the parents of the child.

The Social Security Number will be registered under the same name that is listed on the Birth Certificate and will list the Birthparents as the parents of the child.

When you finalize the adoption, you will be issued a new Birth Certificate that will state whatever name you have given your child, he/she will have your last name and it will state that you are the parents of your child.  When you finalize the adoption, you also have the opportunity to either just change your child’s name on the Social Security Card or you can have an entirely new Social Security Number issued for your child.

Many couples choose to retain the old Social Security Number and just have a new card issued showing the child’s new name.  Given the option of doing this or having a new number assigned to your child, I would highly recommend that you have a new number issued.  Although the incidences have been rare, there are some instances in which the adoptive parents have run into trouble using the old number, even years after the adoption was finalized.

I have witnessed what can happen when there is a mix up between the Social Security Numbers when a family has opted to keep the old number.  In this case, the adoptive parents’ daughter was 5 years old and had to go to the emergency room. When they checked her into the hospital, the hospital refused to do anything because, when they put the old Social Security Number into the computer, it showed that this child’s mother was the Birthmother.  This was the hospital where the Birthmother had delivered and they had this information on file.  Of course, five years after finalizing the adoption, the adoptive family no longer carried any of their adoption paperwork with them.  Luckily it was a weekday and they were able to call the agency where I work to have us fax over their adoption paperwork.  In the meantime, the hospital was taking care of their daughter, but would not do any necessary procedures without this information.

Another agency in town had a couple that was traveling out of country doing mission work run into some problems.  They had lost their passports.  When the Embassy put the child’s Social Security Number into a database it showed that the child’s mother was somebody different.  Again, they had to contact the adoption agency and have adoption paperwork faxed.

There have been minor instances of tax fraud when a Birthfamily filed taxes and claimed the child using the original Social Security Number.  One child had bad credit before he was even 2 years old because a friend of the Birthfamily stole the old Social Security Card and used it for credit cards and a cell phone.

All of these things could have been prevented if the Adoptive Family had opted to have a new Social Security Number issued when the adoption was finalized.  It is an easy thing to have done and one that can help prevent troubles in the future.  While it is your decision as to whether or not you want to have a new Social Security Number issued for your child, it is a choice that I would highly recommend.

For couples who are considering both domestic and international adoption, sifting through the information about both types of adoption can be a huge task.  Because I often get asked about the difference between domestic and international adoption, I compiled a list to explain the basic differences.  Whichever type you choose is, or course, a personal decision.

One of the main differences, and most obvious on the front end, is the costs involved in both types of adoption. A domestic adoption costs an average of $12,000-$16,000.  An international adoption costs between $18,000-$35,000.  International adoptions tend to run more because you have to deal with two countries, paperwork with INS and you have to travel to another country and may have to stay up to two weeks depending on where you go.  There are very few countries that do not require some sort of travel.  You don’t typically have to travel with a domestic adoption unless you do an interstate adoption.  Domestic adoptions tend to cost less, although there are some agencies that charge an exorbanent amount of money for a domestic adoption.

Another difference is the wait involved once you complete your home study.  The wait for domestic adoptions is typically 18-24 months.  This is an average and it can be shorter or it can be longer.  Because most agencies allow the Birthparents to choose an adoptive family, it is a matter of the right Birthparent coming along, clicking with you and choosing you.  For international adoptions, you typically have a set period of time that you can expect to wait from the time you complete your paperwork until you receive a referral for your child from that country.  This can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years depending on which country you choose.  International adoption offers you more of a definitive time line.

In a domestic adoption, many parents have their children placed with them directly from the hospital when they are just 2-3 days old.  You get the whole newborn baby experience.  In an international adoption, you can generally expect to not get a child much younger than 8 months old.  You need to ask yourself how important it is for you to have your child from the beginning, from the time they are born or if you would be ok with an older infant.  For many couples, this question is the deciding factor.  If you cannot imagine not having the newborn experience, then international adoption is probably not the right choice for you.

In an international adoption, by the time you get your child, the Birthparents no longer have legal rights to the child whereas in a domestic adoption many couples do an at-risk placement which means when they get their child, the Birthparents’ parental rights are still in tact.  Again, this can be a big deciding factor for couples who could not imagine doing an at-risk placement.

When you do an international adoption, be careful not to confuse termination of parental rights of the Birthparents with the idea that the Birthparents are “out of sight, out of mind” for your child.  Just because they live half way around the world does not mean that your child will not have questions about their Birthparents and their heritage.  I have had a few families tell me that they chose international adoption because they did not want the Birthparents to be a part of their child’s life.  The reality is that their child’s history did not begin with adoption and their Birthparents will always be a part of their life in one for or another.  International adoption does not make your child’s Birthparents disappear.  This was not something that they had even considered until their children were older and began asking questions.  I think it really blind sided them.

Age, number of children already in the home, number of years married and being single can all affect whether you can do a domestic or international adoption.  Different domestic agencies and different countries have their own guidelines surrounding these issues and other issues.  As you begin to explore both types of adoption more in depth, guidelines for these issues can be the deciding factor in what kind of adoption you do.

Anytime you do an international adoption, you are doing a transracial/transcultural adoption.  You need to be prepared to incorporate your child’s heritage into your lives.  You need to be prepared to deal with transracial issues in society.  For instance, if you are a Caucasian family adoption domestically and you adopt a Caucasian child, there will not many questions asked if any at all.  If you are a Caucasian family that adopts a child from China, there will be many questions asked and comments made.  People can be nosy and people can be rude.  You need to be sure that you live in a racially diverse community that will welcome your child.

As you continue exploring domestic and international adoption, please take these basic differences into account.  Your feelings on these differences can greatly affect whichever path you take.  Whether you want a newborn child, don’t mind to travel or live in a community that incorporates many cultures and races can be all you need to know to choose the type of adoption that works best for your family.  In the end, you just want to make sure that you feel 100% comfortable with whichever type of adoption you choose.  Once you choose the type of adoption to do, it is time to start searching for an agency or attorney so that you can begin your journey to your child.

When we think about adoption, it is easy to think about all the joys associated with adoption.  You have a couple becoming parents, the formation of a family. Hopes and dreams are realized.  Yes, there are many joys associated with adoption, but there is heartache and loss too that are often not recognized.

Many times, this loss and grief is kept inside.  It is not so much loss and grief over the adoption process itself for adoptive parents as it is the loss and grief that brought them to adoption.  These losses include the fertility process, the loss of privacy, the loss of control and the loss of the dream child.

When we fall in love and get married, we automatically think children will be next or at least in the not so distant future.  So, we settle into our new household and dream about our children.  We dream about becoming a family.  It is almost something that we feel is a given, that it is just going to happen.

Then, when it doesn’t happen like we plan, it can be devastating.  The first loss that you face is the loss of becoming parents in the way you had always imagined.  Maybe you planned on waiting a year after you were married and then you thought nine months later you would have a baby.  Perhaps you planned it all around a romantic vacation somewhere.  You essentially lose your “dream conception”.

So, you turn from this dream conception to the help of fertility doctors.  Everything evolves around timing from tests, to procedures to being intimate.  Along with this comes the loss of control, loss of privacy and loss of money.  But, you think, “surely this will work”.  So, for many of you, your second choice is medical consulting and medical assistance.

When this second choice fails, the loss is even greater.  You knew that there was a possibility that medical intervention wouldn’t work, that fertility procedures might not have a positive outcome yet it is devastating when they don’t.  It is at this point that you face your biggest loss, the loss of your dream child.

For couples who have not ever faced this loss, there is no way to possibly describe the pain it brings.  Together, you and your spouse have probably dreamed that your son would be tall like your husband with your eyes or your daughter would have your curly hair and your husband’s dimples.

Letting go of this dream child is hard.  It is a loss that you never thought you would have to face and it often takes a long time to find any peace with letting that dream go.

Out of the loss of your “dream conception” and your “dream child” is born the hope brought by adoption.  The hope of becoming parents, the hope of becoming a family.  It is ok for couples to recognize that adoption is often a third choice.  It doesn’t mean you don’t embrace adoption, it just means you have recognized and accepted your past losses and you are ready to move to the next step, the next choice of becoming parents through adoption.

Adoption does not take away the losses that you have suffered.  What couples who have adopted have stated is that in the end they just wanted to be parents and adoption brought them to that goal.  They still recognize the losses in their lives and they are losses that are forever a part of who they are.

What they have been able to do is to become at peace with those losses.  Only after they have found peace were they ready to move forward with adoption.  After so much loss, finally becoming parents, finally becoming a family, finally having a child in their home is a true and wonderful blessing and something for them to celebrate.  This is the moment they have been waiting for, this is the child that they have been waiting for and dreaming about for many years.

When we get information calls from prospective adoptive parents, one of the first questions we get asked is typically regarding the average wait time for adoptive families.  We typically give the standard 18 months-2 years for non-special needs adoptions and 12 months-18 months for African American families because we always need African American families so they tend to wait less.

This is a standard, very broad answer.  What families need to know when they ask that question is that there are many factors that influence your wait.  Some factors will tend to make your wait less and other factors that tend to make your wait longer.  These factors include: age, education, occupation, where couples live, number of children in the home, if families have biological children, transracial adoptions and comfortability with openness.  As I discuss these topics in this article, I am referring to them as a whole, as the rule rather than the exception.  Your experience might be different.

Generally speaking, the first couples to be chosen by Birthparents are 30-35 years old professionals that have been married at least 5 years are college educated and have no children in the home.  Couples that are either 40-45 years old, have only a high school education, are employed in factory work or live in rural areas tend to wait longer.

A majority of the Birthparents that I have worked with have wanted a family that has no children.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t want them to ever adopt again, they just want their child to be this couple’s first child.  If there are biological children in the home, many Birthparents fear that their child will be treated differently because they are adopted so adoptive parents with birth children in the home tend to wait even longer.

The longer a couple is married, the more stable their relationship appears to a Birthparent.  I have actually had Birthmothers come down to a decision between two families that they really liked and decide on the family that has been married longest.  Along the same lines, single people tend to wait longer than married couples.  Many Birthparents choose adoption because they want their child to live in a two-parent household, to have a Mom and Dad.

Couples adopting transracially often have a longer wait.  This is particularly true for Caucasian couples adopting African American children.  A majority of African American children want to place their children with African American families.

One of the biggest deciding factors for Birthmothers when choosing families and something that can really affect your wait is your desired level of openness and continued contact.  Most adoptions tend to be semi-open.  So, if you are open to sending pictures and letters through the agency and possibly meeting in the future or if you are fine with a completely open adoption, your wait tends to be shorter than someone who wants a completely closed adoption.  Adoption trends are leaning towards at least some level of communication after placement and most Birthparents are requesting at least pictures and letters.  You need to really explore this subject before you make a final decision but you also don’t need to agree to something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

After saying all this, three years ago I had a Birthmother and Birthfather look at all our profiles before choosing the very last profile from a couple that had only given to us the day before.  Not only did this couple have a child in the home, but she was their biological child.  So just because there is a general rule for waiting doesn’t mean that you won’t end up being the exception instead of the rule.

When we get information calls from prospective adoptive parents, one of the first questions we get asked is typically regarding the average wait time for adoptive families.  We typically give the standard 18 months-2 years for non-special needs adoptions and 12 months-18 months for African American families because we always need African American families so they tend to wait less.

This is a standard, very broad answer.  What families need to know when they ask that question is that there are many factors that influence your wait.  Some factors will tend to make your wait less and other factors that tend to make your wait longer.  These factors include: age, education, occupation, where couples live, number of children in the home, if families have biological children, transracial adoptions and comfortability with openness.  As I discuss these topics in this article, I am referring to them as a whole, as the rule rather than the exception.  Your experience might be different.

Generally speaking, the first couples to be chosen by Birthparents are 30-35 years old professionals that have been married at least 5 years are college educated and have no children in the home.  Couples that are either 40-45 years old, have only a high school education, are employed in factory work or live in rural areas tend to wait longer.

A majority of the Birthparents that I have worked with have wanted a family that has no children.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t want them to ever adopt again, they just want their child to be this couple’s first child.  If there are biological children in the home, many Birthparents fear that their child will be treated differently because they are adopted so adoptive parents with birth children in the home tend to wait even longer.

The longer a couple is married, the more stable their relationship appears to a Birthparent.  I have actually had Birthmothers come down to a decision between two families that they really liked and decide on the family that has been married longest.  Along the same lines, single people tend to wait longer than married couples.  Many Birthparents choose adoption because they want their child to live in a two-parent household, to have a Mom and Dad.

Couples adopting transracially often have a longer wait.  This is particularly true for Caucasian couples adopting African American children.  A majority of African American children want to place their children with African American families.

One of the biggest deciding factors for Birthmothers when choosing families and something that can really affect your wait is your desired level of openness and continued contact.  Most adoptions tend to be semi-open.  So, if you are open to sending pictures and letters through the agency and possibly meeting in the future or if you are fine with a completely open adoption, your wait tends to be shorter than someone who wants a completely closed adoption.  Adoption trends are leaning towards at least some level of communication after placement and most Birthparents are requesting at least pictures and letters.  You need to really explore this subject before you make a final decision but you also don’t need to agree to something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

After saying all this, three years ago I had a Birthmother and Birthfather look at all our profiles before choosing the very last profile from a couple that had only given to us the day before.  Not only did this couple have a child in the home, but she was their biological child.  So just because there is a general rule for waiting doesn’t mean that you won’t end up being the exception instead of the rule.

I get asked all the time about the difference between an open adoption and closed adoption and what openness means.  In this article I am going to focus on the difference between the two types of adoptions and in a later article I am going to talk about open adoption by itself because the latest trends in adoption have been leaning more towards openness.

Let me start by saying that whatever type of adoption you choose, it is a personal decision.  For some people, having a completely open adoption where direct contact occurs between Birthparents and adoptive parents is perfectly fine and works for them.  Other people feel more comfortable with sending pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  Still other adoptive parents and Birthparents choose to have a closed adoption and have no contact once a placement occurs.

No two adoptions are the same and no two situations are the same.  If you do a second adoption, what worked for the first might not work for the second.  It is important for you to do the research and decide what kind of adoption you feel comfortable with.  You never want to promise something that you feel you can’t do just to get a baby.  The more you discuss openness with your spouse in the beginning the better equipped you will be talk to the agency, attorney or Birthparent about future contact.

Contact in an adoptive situation is really based on a continuum.  Instead of being completely black or white, completely open or closed, most adoptions actually fall somewhere in between.  For the sake of this article, I am going to talk about closed, semi-open and open adoptions.

In a closed adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents and adoptive parents never meet and once a placement occurs there is no contact.  Birthparents can still choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles if they wish.

In a semi-open adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  They typically meet before the baby is born.  They are usually on a first name basis only.  Once a placement occurs, adoptive parents and Birthparents exchange pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  They might meet in the future but it is usually done at a neutral place like a restaurant, park or adoption agency office.

In an open adoption, identifying information is shared between Birthparents and adoptive parents.  This can include last names, addresses and phone numbers.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  Once they choose a family, they then exchange identifying information.  Once a placement occurs, the Birthparents and adoptive parents maintain direct contact through the telephone, e-mail and face-to-face meetings without using somebody else as in intermediary.

What I see most of the time is people starting out in the semi-open phase first.  After they build a relationship and trust they then move more to the open phase and no longer need anyone as a go-between.  As with any relationship, you don’t typically jump in head first but take the opportunity to know another person.

These are the basic differences in the types of openness in adoption that you can have.  As you can see, you can work with Birthparents to come up with a plan that works for everyone.  It really is not a black or white decision but one that you can make that ranges anywhere along the continuum.  Whatever type of adoption you choose to have, you need to make sure that you are making the decision not only based on what is right for you but what is best and most healthy for your child and their future.
I get asked all the time about the difference between an open adoption and closed adoption and what openness means.  In this article I am going to focus on the difference between the two types of adoptions and in a later article I am going to talk about open adoption by itself because the latest trends in adoption have been leaning more towards openness.

Let me start by saying that whatever type of adoption you choose, it is a personal decision.  For some people, having a completely open adoption where direct contact occurs between Birthparents and adoptive parents is perfectly fine and works for them.  Other people feel more comfortable with sending pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  Still other adoptive parents and Birthparents choose to have a closed adoption and have no contact once a placement occurs.

No two adoptions are the same and no two situations are the same.  If you do a second adoption, what worked for the first might not work for the second.  It is important for you to do the research and decide what kind of adoption you feel comfortable with.  You never want to promise something that you feel you can’t do just to get a baby.  The more you discuss openness with your spouse in the beginning the better equipped you will be talk to the agency, attorney or Birthparent about future contact.

Contact in an adoptive situation is really based on a continuum.  Instead of being completely black or white, completely open or closed, most adoptions actually fall somewhere in between.  For the sake of this article, I am going to talk about closed, semi-open and open adoptions.

In a closed adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents and adoptive parents never meet and once a placement occurs there is no contact.  Birthparents can still choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles if they wish.

In a semi-open adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  They typically meet before the baby is born.  They are usually on a first name basis only.  Once a placement occurs, adoptive parents and Birthparents exchange pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  They might meet in the future but it is usually done at a neutral place like a restaurant, park or adoption agency office.

In an open adoption, identifying information is shared between Birthparents and adoptive parents.  This can include last names, addresses and phone numbers.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  Once they choose a family, they then exchange identifying information.  Once a placement occurs, the Birthparents and adoptive parents maintain direct contact through the telephone, e-mail and face-to-face meetings without using somebody else as in intermediary.

What I see most of the time is people starting out in the semi-open phase first.  After they build a relationship and trust they then move more to the open phase and no longer need anyone as a go-between.  As with any relationship, you don’t typically jump in head first but take the opportunity to know another person.

These are the basic differences in the types of openness in adoption that you can have.  As you can see, you can work with Birthparents to come up with a plan that works for everyone.  It really is not a black or white decision but one that you can make that ranges anywhere along the continuum.  Whatever type of adoption you choose to have, you need to make sure that you are making the decision not only based on what is right for you but what is best and most healthy for your child and their future.

When you are discussing adoption with others, how you talk about adoption and the language you use can set the tone.  So much of the old adoption language was negative and has a negative connotation.  People often use this language without realizing how it can make a Birthparent, adoptive parent or adoptee feel.  It is up to us to teach others positive adoption language in the way we speak about adoption.

When talking about Birthparents, many people will refer to them as the natural parent or real parent.  This somehow gives the connotation that adoptive parents are not real or are somehow unnatural.  A friend of mine is an adoptive mother.  She went to the Emergency Room a few years ago.  When the nurse was filling out paperwork, she asked how many children she had and my friend said one.  When she asked how many live births she had, my friend said none.  After the nurse gave her a strange look, my friend explained that she had adopted her child.  The nurse then stated, “well we will just go back up and mark this one 0″.  Pretty much meaning that if you didn’t give birth, then you aren’t a real parent and that’s not her child.  My friend took that opportunity to give the nurse some adoption education.  People often say “does she have her real mother’s eyes” or “where is her real mother?”  Her real mother is right there having the conversation!

When you are talking about your adopted child, they are your child.  If you have biological and adopted children they are all your children.  Some people will ask which ones are yours, meaning that the adopted children are not yours.  They are all yours!  Along these same lines, your child was adopted not your child is adopted. Adoption is not a condition, it is an event.  It happens, it’s done and they are your child.

A child is placed for adoption not put up for adoption.  The term “put up” refers to the orphan trains that traveled through the Midwest in the early 1900s.  Children were “put up” on platforms at the train stations and families could come view the children, check them out and take home the ones that they wanted mainly to be used as farm hands.  “Put up” has a very negative connotation.

When a Birthmother makes an adoption plan, she does not adopt her child out, give the child up or give the child away.  I hate when someone says “she gave up her baby for adoption” or “I don’t know how anyone can give their baby away”.  It makes the baby sound like a thing, like a sweater that you can just give away.  When a Birthmother chooses adoption she makes an adoption plan.  She loves and cares for her child.  She is not just giving them away.

This is just a few of the many negative adoption terms that are floating around today.  As an adoptive parent, you do not want your child/children to feel as though adoption is a negative thing.  You want them to feel loved, to feel secure.  One of the ways you can do this is to help others to use positive adoption language and to take any negative connotation out of the adoption process.  It starts one person at a time, but it is a change that needs to be made.

As you are beginning the adoption process, your agency should discuss with you whether or not you feel comfortable with doing a direct placement or at-risk placement or whether you would rather use interim care for the baby until the Birthparents no longer have legal rights to the child.  Even if you are doing an independent adoption, this is still something that you need to discuss before being put in the position of having to consider whether or not to do an at-risk placement.

A direct placement occurs when a baby is discharged from the hospital and goes home with you even though one or both of the Birthparents still have their parental/legal rights intact.  It is called an at-risk placement because you are taking the child home with the risk that a Birthparent could change their mind and decide to parent which is a right they have because they still have their legal rights.

This is a hard decision to make because you want to have your child from the beginning, but the thought of having them a short period of time and then losing them is almost too hard to even imagine.  When considering a direct placement, you should keep the line of communication wide open with your agency and get their opinion on the situation.  Although they can’t tell you they are 100% sure of anything, they can let you know what they feel comfortable or uncomfortable with surrounding the situation.

A majority of Birthparents want to do a direct placement.  I have also found that many adoptive parents opt for a direct placement as well.  It is something that you should discuss with the Birthparents when making hospital and placement plans.

As an agency, we mostly do direct placements.  However, we also have interim care/cradle care families that will care for the baby when they are released from the hospital until the Birthparents have signed a surrender or waiver.  We also use our interim care families as a safety net for everyone involved in the process.

For instance, if we are working with a Birthmother who is having a hard time in the hospital, we will suggest doing interim care to them and to the adoptive family.  This gives the Birthparents some time to get home from the hospital and take some time to decide whether or not they want to do adoption without having the pressure of the baby already being with the adoptive family and not wanting to hurt them.  It is also a safeguard for the adoptive family as they do not have the baby in their home for an extended period of time while they are worried about whether or not the baby is going to stay with them or go back to the Birthmother.  During the interim care time, the Birthmother and the adoptive family can visit with the baby if they choose.

It is a good idea to discuss the interim care policy of the agency you are using ahead of time.  You want to feel that the agency is going to stay involved and give you their honest assessment of the situation.  You want to be sure that they are not going to pressure you into a direct placement if they feel like a Birthmother is having a hard time and you want to be sure that they are not going to pressure or coerce the Birthparents in anyway.

In the end, the decision as to whether or not to do a direct placement is really up to you and the Birthparents.  It is good to keep your communication open with them so that you can discuss interim care if any situations or feelings change.  You have to weigh the risks in the situation and make the best decision for your family.

When you are going through the adoption process with an agency, they will more than likely ask you to put together a Dear Birthparent letter to show to Birthparents that are considering adoption.  Even if you are doing an independent adoption, you might want to write a letter so that if you are connected with a Birthparent you can share the letter with them.  The letter is similar to a mini autobiography.  It is a chance for you to tell a Birthparent about who you are, what you like to do and what your family, friends and extended family are like.

Each agency usually has their own guidelines on how they want a letter to be written.  Most have some of the same underlying themes.  I have included in this article examples of what to include in a Dear Birthparent letter.  After working with Birthparents for nine years, I compiled this list to include some of the basic questions and concerns they might have when selecting an adoptive family.

Your Dear Birthparent letter should be between 3-6 pages long.  Any less than that and you cannot possibly give a Birthparent enough information.  Any more than that and it gets to be too much information and they can become overwhelmed or forget things.  When a Birthparent is looking at profiles, they will more than likely view anywhere from 5 to 20 profiles.  If a letter is too long it might begin to get lost among all the other information that they have gleaned from other letters.

The letter should include a brief description of your childhood, family background, family life, extended family and education.  Descriptions of your marriage such as how you met your spouse and what you love about him/her are important as well.  Birthparents need to know that you are in love and that you have a stable family life and extended family connections.  Often Birthparents are considering adoption because they want their child to be raised in a two parent, stable environment and they want to feel as though things are going to stay that way.

Let Birthparents know about you personally.  What kind of personality do you have?  What are your interests and hobbies?  Do you have any personal goals?  What kind of work do you do?  Are you in good health?  Do you exercise?  What are your religious views and your spouse’s religious view?  They need to get a good sense of who you are.

Talk about your parenting philosophies.  Are you going to share in all the duties?  Do you see one spouse being more playful and one more nurturing?  Birthparents are always interested in your child care plans.  Is one of you going to stay at home with them?  If so, for how long?  Do you have a friend or family member that will provide childcare or baby sit?

It is always a good idea to touch lightly on what brought your family to adoption.  You do not need to share your whole personal fertility story if that is why you chose adoption.  You can just state something like “after years of trying to have children, we decided we just wanted to be parents and biology was not important to us”.  I had one family that shared the story of how they had suffered many miscarriages.  This was what drew a Birthmother to them.  You don’t have to over share, but include a small description.

Describe your feelings about adoption and your plans for sharing adoption information with your child.  Birthparents want their child to know that they loved them and that is why they chose adoption.  They never want them to feel as though they were unloved or unwanted, so this is an important topic as well.

Describe what level of openness you feel comfortable with.  Do you want to meet them?  Do you want to do a direct placement (where the baby leaves the hospital with you)?  What kind of contact do you want once the baby is placed with you such as direct contact or sharing information through the agency?  Don’t promise anything that you don’t feel comfortable with and don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.  It is ok to state that you are willing to meet with them and discuss future contact.  Each adoption situation is different and is good to leave the door open at least a little because you don’t want to shut it on a good situation.

When writing your letter, handwrite it if possible.  However, if you have horrible handwriting, then type it using a casual font.  Always sign it with a pen/pencil.  Stay away from a business format and make the letter more personal.  Include your feelings and thoughts.  If you are used to writing business letters, then have someone critique it when you are done.  You don’t want to appear cold in your letter.  Address the letter “Dear Birthparent” or “Someone Special” or something along those lines.  Don’t address it “Dear Birthmother” because Birthfathers are a part of the process too.  Thank them for choosing adoption and considering (NOT choosing) you.  They are reading many letters and even though they are reading your letter they might not necessarily choose you and you don’t want them to feel pressured.  Put your letter on colored or printed stationary.  If you are into gardening, then use paper with a flower border.  If you like sports, then your paper could have a sports theme border.

The most important thing that you need to do is to make the letter unique and let them know who you are.  I once had an adoptive father who wrote his letter as though his dog had written it.  They had had the dog for 15 years and so the dog knew a lot about him.  His sense of humor was what caught a Birthmother’s eye.  Use your agency, friends or family as a sounding board when you are writing a letter.  It is always a good idea to get a second opinion.  You want it to be the best it can possibly be because this letter is the first connection that a Birthparent can make with you.  You want it to be a good, honest unique description and connection between you and the Birthparent.

If you are working with an adoption agency you will most likely put together a profile for Birthparents to view who are considering adoption.  You might want to even consider putting together a profile if you are planning on doing an independent adoption so that if you are connected with a Birthparent, you can share the profile with them before you meet.  A profile is a way for you to let the Birthparents learn about you.  They typically include non-identifying information such as first names, occupations, religion, hobbies, etc.  It allows Birthparents to learn about different families as they are making an adoption plan for their child.

Because the profile is the first glimpse that a Birthparent has into your life, personality, family, etc., a profile can be one of the most essential parts of the adoption process.  It is what draws a Birthparent to you.  We have often heard that first impressions are lasting impressions.  Well, a profile is your first impression.

Different agencies typically have their own guidelines of what you should or should not include in a profile.  Most likely you can expect to include a picture resume or what I call an autobiography of pictures and a Dear Birthparent letter.  In this article I am going to concentrate more on the picture part of the profile.  The a future article I will focus more on what to include in a Dear Birthparent letter.

A picture is worth a thousand words, which is something you need to keep in mind when choosing pictures for your profile.  It is important that you use active pictures that illustrate your interests, hobbies, lifestyle, etc.  Posed pictures are fine, but they don’t really say anything about you.  Active pictures show you on vacation, in the ocean, at the racetrack, at the football game, grilling out with family and relaxing reading a book.  With active pictures, a Birthparent can begin to get to know you and what their child’s life will be like if they chose you.

Use a variety of pictures.  Include pictures of you individually as well as as a couple.  Pictures of pets, extended family and other children or nieces and nephews lets Birthparents know about who else will be a part of their child’s life.  Identify who is in each picture and use a caption to let them know what you are doing.  Don’t just say “at the beach”.  Say something like “Here we are at the ocean in Florida in May 2005.  We went to the beach with friends.  Mary is having a great time jumping in the waves”.  If you are baking in the kitchen say “Grammy came over with my niece and we baked cookies all afternoon” instead of “baking cookies”.

It is best to have a majority of the pictures you use be recent pictures.  However, you can use old pictures to tell the story of your life together.  A picture of you dating, getting married or even pictures of you as children can be good to add.  Just don’t use too many old pictures.

Make your resume unique.  Visit a local craft store or scrapbook store and load up on colored paper, printed paper, stickers and embellishments.  Cut your pictures in interesting shapes.  Without cluttering the page, use as much space as possible for pictures and descriptions.  If all you do is plop 2 3 x 5 pictures down on a white sheet of paper, it doesn’t say much about you.  You want your picture profile to stand out and really let a Birthparent know about you.

In addition to these suggestions, your agency might have its own suggestions and guidelines for your picture profiles/picture resumes.  Some agencies limit the amount of pages to include in the picture part of your profile others will let you include as many pictures as you want.  I find that 8-10 pages is a good amount.  It is not too little and not too much. I would not do more than 15 pages of pictures as it can become overwhelming to have so many pictures to view.

Whether you are doing an agency or independent adoption, as you begin to put together your picture profile remember to make it unique.  Make it say who you are.  At a glance, they should be able to skim through the pictures and be able to describe who you are, what you like to do and your relationships with family and friends.  The picture part of the profile is often what draws a Birthmother’s attention and will encourage her to read your letters and find out more about you.   It is often what holds a Birthparent’s interest and it gives them an idea of what their child’s life will be like with you.