As the age of secrecy in adoption is slowly falling behind us, families are beginning to realize the importance of talking to their child about adoption from the time the child is placed with them.  There is no “magical” age that should be reached before a child knows their birth history and how they came to be with you.  If you are open and honest with your child from the beginning then adoption will seem normal to them.  It is just a part of who they are and how your family was formed.

Secrets are often seen as being bad.  Think about this.  Why do we keep secrets or not tell the truth about things?  Because what happened was so bad that we don’t want to talk about it.  If a child is not allowed to freely ask questions and discuss their birth history, then their birth history is seen as bad.  This can translate to “I am bad” or “I must not have been loved.”

Studies show that the more open families are with their children about adoption, the more comfortable their children are with the subject.  Being open with your child about adoption does not mean you necessarily have to have an open adoption.  It simply means that you are not going to keep secrets from your child and that you are willing to let them talk about whatever they need to talk about.

We encourage couples to talk about adoption from the day they receive their child.  This means, before they can even understand what you are saying you are practicing telling them about their birth story.  Terms such as “adoption” and “birthfamily” are introduced from the beginning and concepts such as “your birthmother loved you and chose adoption because she loved you” and “your father and I prayed for you to come to us and were so excited the first time we saw you” are concepts that they will always know to be true.

Fortunately we live in an age where there are plenty of children’s books to help you talk to your child about adoption.  Books such as Tell Me Again about the Night I was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis, I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis and Happy Adoption Day by John McCutcheon are available for you to share adoption stories in a way that children can understand.  There are children’s books geared towards International Adoption, open adoption and older child adoption.  Be sure that you read the book before sharing it with your child to make sure that it applies to their story in some way.  For instance, if you have a closed adoption, then a book about an open adoption would not be something they could relate to.

Talking to Your Child About Adoption by Pat Martinez Dorner is an excellent guide for parents.  It covers talking to your child when they are infants, preschoolers, and in the elementary school through high school years. This helps you to determine where they are emotionally and cognitively to present different adoption concepts.  Other good books for adoptive parents include Explaining Adoption To Your Adopted Child — A Guide for Adoptive Parents  by Prue Chennels and Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher.  Tapestry Books is an excellent resource for all types of adoption books and subjects.  Even if you did not use an adoption agency for your adoption, contact a local agency for book ideas or guidance on talking to your child about adoption.

When talking to your child about adoption it is important to be open, honest and positive.  Do not lie or make up information about their birthfamily or adoption.  Even if it is hard to say something positive about something, such as a birthfather who did not participate at all in the process, you should still state something good about them, even if it is as simple as “he was not able to take care of you when you were born so he let you come to us so that we could take care of you.”  If you don’t know an answer to a question, just say you don’t know.  This is hard for parents because you want to give your child the answers to all of their questions.  Perhaps you can ask the agency or birthmother if you have contact with her and she might be able to answer the question.

If you are always open about adoption and comfortable with the subject, then your child will be too.  It is also good for you to start an adoption discussion with them occasionally just so they know that they can come to you to discuss things, that you are fine with talking about their birth history and adoption.  The age of secrecy in adoptions is past, so celebrate your child’s adoption and history with them and let them know how thankful and blessed you are to have been chosen to be their parents and to have them in your lives.

When you are going through an agency to do an adoption, at some point during the process they will talk to you about what kind of social and medical history you feel comfortable with.  This includes anything from the medical and mental health history of the birth family to things that occur during the pregnancy to medical issues that your child might have at birth.  Even if you are not going through an agency, I would encourage you to discuss the issues mentioned in this article to decide what kind of situations you feel comfortable with and which situations you would not feel comfortable with.  Discussing these issues ahead of time is important because when you are finally chosen by a birthparent it is hard to think clearly about whether or not you can turn down a placement when there is already a baby in the picture.

Before I begin, let me say that there are some couples that feel comfortable with any situation from older children to birth parent drug use to children born HIV positive.  If you are one of these families, at this point you are wondering why I am writing this article.  The truth is, it takes more than love to raise a child, especially if they have special needs.  A family needs to feel equipped to handle a situation before bringing a child into the home or it is the child who will suffer in the end.  For this reason it is imperative that couples discuss these issues so that they can provide their child with the safe, stable, nurturing home that they need.

Medical history should be considered not only for the birthparents but the extended birthfamily including children, parents and grandparents.  When considering medical history for a child, you should not only think about their medical history but your own as well.  If asthma, diabetes or hearing problems run in your family, then it more than likely won’t bother you if it runs in their family as well.  Other medical issues to consider include cancer, blindness, tourette’s syndrome and dwarfism.  While some medical conditions such as asthma or diabetes are not known at birth, other conditions such as missing limbs, downs syndrome and HIV are known from the beginning.  Some medical conditions can be fixed surgically whereas others are lifelong conditions.  Even though your biological child would have a chance of having some of these medical conditions, you need to discuss which conditions you are willing to consider and which conditions you don’t feel comfortable with.

Just like medical history, mental health history needs to be considered for the birthparents’ extended families.  Does depression, schizophrenia or bipolar disorders run in the family?  Is depression more the result of situational circumstances or does it seem to be a recurring trend in the family?  If there is a mental health diagnosis in the family, you should discuss it with a local psychologist or psychiatrist to find out if it is hereditary and whether or not it can be treated.

By social history, I am talking specifically about the birthparents and the pregnancy.  Are you comfortable if there is no prenatal care?  Are you willing to accept a placement where the birthfather is unknown or unwilling to give any medical history?  Do you feel comfortable with a birthmother who smoked marijuana or cigarette’s or drank during the pregnancy?  Before you say no, consider two different scenarios about this one question.  One birthmother might have smoked marijuana 2-3 times before she found out she was pregnant and only smoked 2 cigarettes per day during her pregnancy while another birthmother might have smoked marijuana and cigarettes throughout the entire pregnancy.  Sometimes it is better to consider a situation before you shut the door on it.

In fact, for most situations from medical to mental health to social history you should be willing to keep an open mind.  Obviously in such situations as an HIV positive child, there are no unknowns, you know what the condition means.  But, many of the situations are specific to each case and should be reviewed on a case by case basis.  Get all the facts you can before making a decision.  Just because a birthmother had multiple partners or a birthfather used drugs does not mean that they are not going to have a perfectly healthy baby.  Along the same lines you can work with a birthmother who took wonderful care of herself during the pregnancy and a birthfather who is very much involved and the baby can be born with a serious medical condition.

Probably the most important thing to discuss before accepting a placement is whether or not you feel comfortable with doing a transracial adoption.  This means if you are a Caucasian or African American couple wanting to adopt a child of any race is your environment, family and community ready to accept a child of another race.  You need a community filled with diversity and a family without prejudice. You also need to be ready to handle the additional comments and questions that come with adopting transracially.  Like I said before, it takes more than love to raise a child and you need to take a good look at your surroundings before adopting transracially.

These are just a few of the many issues to discuss before adopting.  Don’t feel bad if there is a situation that you don’t feel equipped to handle.  You need to be honest about your answers to these questions.  By being honest, you can be sure that you will be able to provide your child with the safe, secure and nurturing home that they need and deserve.

How can you possible say “Thank you” to those who fulfilled your hopes and dreams by choosing you as parents for their child?  How can you possibly express your gratitude, your love, and your caring for them?  How can you possibly find the right gift to give them when you know that they are grieving the loss of their child through adoption while still being grateful to you for giving their child a safe home full of love and security?

Choosing a gift to give your child’s Birthparents is a very difficult thing to do.  It is hard to find the appropriate gift, to find one that expresses all your thoughts and emotions.  It really is hard to find a way to say “Thank you” and to let them know that you care about them.  After nine years of doing adoptions, I have witnessed some truly awesome gifts given to Birthparents by adoptive parents both in the hospital and at the placement ceremony when the child is actually placed with them.

Let me start by saying that a beautiful flower bouquet is a nice gesture, but flowers do not last forever.  So, if you want to give them flowers that is great, but you should also consider giving them a more permanent gift, one that they can keep and will remind them of their child that they love and care for so much.

You should write a letter to the Birthmother and Birthfather, telling them how you are feeling at that exact moment.  Thank them for choosing life.  Thank them for making you a family.  Let them know that you know that they love their child and that their child will always know how much they are loved by their Birthfamily.  Express your hopes and dreams for their child.  Birthparents need to know that their child will be taken care of and they need to know that you understand that this is a very difficult decision and a very difficult time for them, that you know it took a lot of heartache for them to choose adoption and that you know they chose adoption because they love their child dearly.

Include photos with your card or present if at all possible.  I have had adoptive parents who were present at the birth of their child go to a photo lab that same day and have all the pictures from the hospital developed and put in a book.  Include pictures of the Birthmother pregnant if you have them.  If your letter or present are going out after your child is already home, include pictures of them in their new home, in their nursery or doing their daily eat/sleep activities.  Birthparents love to get pictures of their child.

As I said before, make sure your gift is a permanent gift and one that they can keep forever.  Jewelry is always a good choice, especially if it is personalized in some manner.  A ring, necklace or earrings that contain the birthstone of their child are a gift that they could wear everyday.  They can choose whether or not to share the meaning of the birthstone with others but it will always have a special meaning to them.  One of our adoptive families gave a ring to the Birthmother and the adoptive mother wore an identical ring, linking the two together.  Another family gave the Birthmother a charm bracelet with the child’s first initial, birthstone and a dove for peace.  Every year they give the Birthmother a new charm to add to the bracelet.  Having jewelry engraved with the baby’s date of birth or the baby’s initials are also great, personal ideas.

Other good Birthparent gifts include anything engraved with the baby’s initials or birth date such as a jewelry box, a keepsake box or a pocket knife for the Birthfather.  Listen to your Birthparents.  Knowing what kind of things they like can give you a good hint as to what kind of gift to give.  I worked with an adoptive family that began a scrapbook for the baby with the Birthmother (who loved scrapbooking) before the baby was born.  They made an identical one without the Birthmother knowing and gave it to her when the baby was born so that she could have one for herself.  The adoptive family makes copies of any significant things for the Birthmother, such as photos of all the baby’s firsts.  The little girl recently drew some pictures and gave them to her Birthmother for the book.

As you begin to think of your gift to give your child’s Birthparents, remember to make it special and make it unique.  Although it is still difficult to fully express your thanks, your love, and your gratitude to them for choosing adoption and making you a family, making it personalized for your situation and your child’s Birthparents is a great place to start.  Remember to include a note with the gift and to give them a gift that they will be able to keep and cherish forever.

When you are adopting, your child will be issued two things in the hospital.  One is the Birth Certificate and the other is a Social Security Number.  The original Birth Certificate completed in the hospital will state whatever name the Birthmother gives the baby.  The baby will also have the Birthmother’s or Birthfather’s last name and it will list them as the parents of the child.

The Social Security Number will be registered under the same name that is listed on the Birth Certificate and will list the Birthparents as the parents of the child.

When you finalize the adoption, you will be issued a new Birth Certificate that will state whatever name you have given your child, he/she will have your last name and it will state that you are the parents of your child.  When you finalize the adoption, you also have the opportunity to either just change your child’s name on the Social Security Card or you can have an entirely new Social Security Number issued for your child.

Many couples choose to retain the old Social Security Number and just have a new card issued showing the child’s new name.  Given the option of doing this or having a new number assigned to your child, I would highly recommend that you have a new number issued.  Although the incidences have been rare, there are some instances in which the adoptive parents have run into trouble using the old number, even years after the adoption was finalized.

I have witnessed what can happen when there is a mix up between the Social Security Numbers when a family has opted to keep the old number.  In this case, the adoptive parents’ daughter was 5 years old and had to go to the emergency room. When they checked her into the hospital, the hospital refused to do anything because, when they put the old Social Security Number into the computer, it showed that this child’s mother was the Birthmother.  This was the hospital where the Birthmother had delivered and they had this information on file.  Of course, five years after finalizing the adoption, the adoptive family no longer carried any of their adoption paperwork with them.  Luckily it was a weekday and they were able to call the agency where I work to have us fax over their adoption paperwork.  In the meantime, the hospital was taking care of their daughter, but would not do any necessary procedures without this information.

Another agency in town had a couple that was traveling out of country doing mission work run into some problems.  They had lost their passports.  When the Embassy put the child’s Social Security Number into a database it showed that the child’s mother was somebody different.  Again, they had to contact the adoption agency and have adoption paperwork faxed.

There have been minor instances of tax fraud when a Birthfamily filed taxes and claimed the child using the original Social Security Number.  One child had bad credit before he was even 2 years old because a friend of the Birthfamily stole the old Social Security Card and used it for credit cards and a cell phone.

All of these things could have been prevented if the Adoptive Family had opted to have a new Social Security Number issued when the adoption was finalized.  It is an easy thing to have done and one that can help prevent troubles in the future.  While it is your decision as to whether or not you want to have a new Social Security Number issued for your child, it is a choice that I would highly recommend.

For couples who are considering both domestic and international adoption, sifting through the information about both types of adoption can be a huge task.  Because I often get asked about the difference between domestic and international adoption, I compiled a list to explain the basic differences.  Whichever type you choose is, or course, a personal decision.

One of the main differences, and most obvious on the front end, is the costs involved in both types of adoption. A domestic adoption costs an average of $12,000-$16,000.  An international adoption costs between $18,000-$35,000.  International adoptions tend to run more because you have to deal with two countries, paperwork with INS and you have to travel to another country and may have to stay up to two weeks depending on where you go.  There are very few countries that do not require some sort of travel.  You don’t typically have to travel with a domestic adoption unless you do an interstate adoption.  Domestic adoptions tend to cost less, although there are some agencies that charge an exorbanent amount of money for a domestic adoption.

Another difference is the wait involved once you complete your home study.  The wait for domestic adoptions is typically 18-24 months.  This is an average and it can be shorter or it can be longer.  Because most agencies allow the Birthparents to choose an adoptive family, it is a matter of the right Birthparent coming along, clicking with you and choosing you.  For international adoptions, you typically have a set period of time that you can expect to wait from the time you complete your paperwork until you receive a referral for your child from that country.  This can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years depending on which country you choose.  International adoption offers you more of a definitive time line.

In a domestic adoption, many parents have their children placed with them directly from the hospital when they are just 2-3 days old.  You get the whole newborn baby experience.  In an international adoption, you can generally expect to not get a child much younger than 8 months old.  You need to ask yourself how important it is for you to have your child from the beginning, from the time they are born or if you would be ok with an older infant.  For many couples, this question is the deciding factor.  If you cannot imagine not having the newborn experience, then international adoption is probably not the right choice for you.

In an international adoption, by the time you get your child, the Birthparents no longer have legal rights to the child whereas in a domestic adoption many couples do an at-risk placement which means when they get their child, the Birthparents’ parental rights are still in tact.  Again, this can be a big deciding factor for couples who could not imagine doing an at-risk placement.

When you do an international adoption, be careful not to confuse termination of parental rights of the Birthparents with the idea that the Birthparents are “out of sight, out of mind” for your child.  Just because they live half way around the world does not mean that your child will not have questions about their Birthparents and their heritage.  I have had a few families tell me that they chose international adoption because they did not want the Birthparents to be a part of their child’s life.  The reality is that their child’s history did not begin with adoption and their Birthparents will always be a part of their life in one for or another.  International adoption does not make your child’s Birthparents disappear.  This was not something that they had even considered until their children were older and began asking questions.  I think it really blind sided them.

Age, number of children already in the home, number of years married and being single can all affect whether you can do a domestic or international adoption.  Different domestic agencies and different countries have their own guidelines surrounding these issues and other issues.  As you begin to explore both types of adoption more in depth, guidelines for these issues can be the deciding factor in what kind of adoption you do.

Anytime you do an international adoption, you are doing a transracial/transcultural adoption.  You need to be prepared to incorporate your child’s heritage into your lives.  You need to be prepared to deal with transracial issues in society.  For instance, if you are a Caucasian family adoption domestically and you adopt a Caucasian child, there will not many questions asked if any at all.  If you are a Caucasian family that adopts a child from China, there will be many questions asked and comments made.  People can be nosy and people can be rude.  You need to be sure that you live in a racially diverse community that will welcome your child.

As you continue exploring domestic and international adoption, please take these basic differences into account.  Your feelings on these differences can greatly affect whichever path you take.  Whether you want a newborn child, don’t mind to travel or live in a community that incorporates many cultures and races can be all you need to know to choose the type of adoption that works best for your family.  In the end, you just want to make sure that you feel 100% comfortable with whichever type of adoption you choose.  Once you choose the type of adoption to do, it is time to start searching for an agency or attorney so that you can begin your journey to your child.

When we think about adoption, it is easy to think about all the joys associated with adoption.  You have a couple becoming parents, the formation of a family. Hopes and dreams are realized.  Yes, there are many joys associated with adoption, but there is heartache and loss too that are often not recognized.

Many times, this loss and grief is kept inside.  It is not so much loss and grief over the adoption process itself for adoptive parents as it is the loss and grief that brought them to adoption.  These losses include the fertility process, the loss of privacy, the loss of control and the loss of the dream child.

When we fall in love and get married, we automatically think children will be next or at least in the not so distant future.  So, we settle into our new household and dream about our children.  We dream about becoming a family.  It is almost something that we feel is a given, that it is just going to happen.

Then, when it doesn’t happen like we plan, it can be devastating.  The first loss that you face is the loss of becoming parents in the way you had always imagined.  Maybe you planned on waiting a year after you were married and then you thought nine months later you would have a baby.  Perhaps you planned it all around a romantic vacation somewhere.  You essentially lose your “dream conception”.

So, you turn from this dream conception to the help of fertility doctors.  Everything evolves around timing from tests, to procedures to being intimate.  Along with this comes the loss of control, loss of privacy and loss of money.  But, you think, “surely this will work”.  So, for many of you, your second choice is medical consulting and medical assistance.

When this second choice fails, the loss is even greater.  You knew that there was a possibility that medical intervention wouldn’t work, that fertility procedures might not have a positive outcome yet it is devastating when they don’t.  It is at this point that you face your biggest loss, the loss of your dream child.

For couples who have not ever faced this loss, there is no way to possibly describe the pain it brings.  Together, you and your spouse have probably dreamed that your son would be tall like your husband with your eyes or your daughter would have your curly hair and your husband’s dimples.

Letting go of this dream child is hard.  It is a loss that you never thought you would have to face and it often takes a long time to find any peace with letting that dream go.

Out of the loss of your “dream conception” and your “dream child” is born the hope brought by adoption.  The hope of becoming parents, the hope of becoming a family.  It is ok for couples to recognize that adoption is often a third choice.  It doesn’t mean you don’t embrace adoption, it just means you have recognized and accepted your past losses and you are ready to move to the next step, the next choice of becoming parents through adoption.

Adoption does not take away the losses that you have suffered.  What couples who have adopted have stated is that in the end they just wanted to be parents and adoption brought them to that goal.  They still recognize the losses in their lives and they are losses that are forever a part of who they are.

What they have been able to do is to become at peace with those losses.  Only after they have found peace were they ready to move forward with adoption.  After so much loss, finally becoming parents, finally becoming a family, finally having a child in their home is a true and wonderful blessing and something for them to celebrate.  This is the moment they have been waiting for, this is the child that they have been waiting for and dreaming about for many years.

When we get information calls from prospective adoptive parents, one of the first questions we get asked is typically regarding the average wait time for adoptive families.  We typically give the standard 18 months-2 years for non-special needs adoptions and 12 months-18 months for African American families because we always need African American families so they tend to wait less.

This is a standard, very broad answer.  What families need to know when they ask that question is that there are many factors that influence your wait.  Some factors will tend to make your wait less and other factors that tend to make your wait longer.  These factors include: age, education, occupation, where couples live, number of children in the home, if families have biological children, transracial adoptions and comfortability with openness.  As I discuss these topics in this article, I am referring to them as a whole, as the rule rather than the exception.  Your experience might be different.

Generally speaking, the first couples to be chosen by Birthparents are 30-35 years old professionals that have been married at least 5 years are college educated and have no children in the home.  Couples that are either 40-45 years old, have only a high school education, are employed in factory work or live in rural areas tend to wait longer.

A majority of the Birthparents that I have worked with have wanted a family that has no children.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t want them to ever adopt again, they just want their child to be this couple’s first child.  If there are biological children in the home, many Birthparents fear that their child will be treated differently because they are adopted so adoptive parents with birth children in the home tend to wait even longer.

The longer a couple is married, the more stable their relationship appears to a Birthparent.  I have actually had Birthmothers come down to a decision between two families that they really liked and decide on the family that has been married longest.  Along the same lines, single people tend to wait longer than married couples.  Many Birthparents choose adoption because they want their child to live in a two-parent household, to have a Mom and Dad.

Couples adopting transracially often have a longer wait.  This is particularly true for Caucasian couples adopting African American children.  A majority of African American children want to place their children with African American families.

One of the biggest deciding factors for Birthmothers when choosing families and something that can really affect your wait is your desired level of openness and continued contact.  Most adoptions tend to be semi-open.  So, if you are open to sending pictures and letters through the agency and possibly meeting in the future or if you are fine with a completely open adoption, your wait tends to be shorter than someone who wants a completely closed adoption.  Adoption trends are leaning towards at least some level of communication after placement and most Birthparents are requesting at least pictures and letters.  You need to really explore this subject before you make a final decision but you also don’t need to agree to something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

After saying all this, three years ago I had a Birthmother and Birthfather look at all our profiles before choosing the very last profile from a couple that had only given to us the day before.  Not only did this couple have a child in the home, but she was their biological child.  So just because there is a general rule for waiting doesn’t mean that you won’t end up being the exception instead of the rule.

When we get information calls from prospective adoptive parents, one of the first questions we get asked is typically regarding the average wait time for adoptive families.  We typically give the standard 18 months-2 years for non-special needs adoptions and 12 months-18 months for African American families because we always need African American families so they tend to wait less.

This is a standard, very broad answer.  What families need to know when they ask that question is that there are many factors that influence your wait.  Some factors will tend to make your wait less and other factors that tend to make your wait longer.  These factors include: age, education, occupation, where couples live, number of children in the home, if families have biological children, transracial adoptions and comfortability with openness.  As I discuss these topics in this article, I am referring to them as a whole, as the rule rather than the exception.  Your experience might be different.

Generally speaking, the first couples to be chosen by Birthparents are 30-35 years old professionals that have been married at least 5 years are college educated and have no children in the home.  Couples that are either 40-45 years old, have only a high school education, are employed in factory work or live in rural areas tend to wait longer.

A majority of the Birthparents that I have worked with have wanted a family that has no children.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t want them to ever adopt again, they just want their child to be this couple’s first child.  If there are biological children in the home, many Birthparents fear that their child will be treated differently because they are adopted so adoptive parents with birth children in the home tend to wait even longer.

The longer a couple is married, the more stable their relationship appears to a Birthparent.  I have actually had Birthmothers come down to a decision between two families that they really liked and decide on the family that has been married longest.  Along the same lines, single people tend to wait longer than married couples.  Many Birthparents choose adoption because they want their child to live in a two-parent household, to have a Mom and Dad.

Couples adopting transracially often have a longer wait.  This is particularly true for Caucasian couples adopting African American children.  A majority of African American children want to place their children with African American families.

One of the biggest deciding factors for Birthmothers when choosing families and something that can really affect your wait is your desired level of openness and continued contact.  Most adoptions tend to be semi-open.  So, if you are open to sending pictures and letters through the agency and possibly meeting in the future or if you are fine with a completely open adoption, your wait tends to be shorter than someone who wants a completely closed adoption.  Adoption trends are leaning towards at least some level of communication after placement and most Birthparents are requesting at least pictures and letters.  You need to really explore this subject before you make a final decision but you also don’t need to agree to something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

After saying all this, three years ago I had a Birthmother and Birthfather look at all our profiles before choosing the very last profile from a couple that had only given to us the day before.  Not only did this couple have a child in the home, but she was their biological child.  So just because there is a general rule for waiting doesn’t mean that you won’t end up being the exception instead of the rule.

I get asked all the time about the difference between an open adoption and closed adoption and what openness means.  In this article I am going to focus on the difference between the two types of adoptions and in a later article I am going to talk about open adoption by itself because the latest trends in adoption have been leaning more towards openness.

Let me start by saying that whatever type of adoption you choose, it is a personal decision.  For some people, having a completely open adoption where direct contact occurs between Birthparents and adoptive parents is perfectly fine and works for them.  Other people feel more comfortable with sending pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  Still other adoptive parents and Birthparents choose to have a closed adoption and have no contact once a placement occurs.

No two adoptions are the same and no two situations are the same.  If you do a second adoption, what worked for the first might not work for the second.  It is important for you to do the research and decide what kind of adoption you feel comfortable with.  You never want to promise something that you feel you can’t do just to get a baby.  The more you discuss openness with your spouse in the beginning the better equipped you will be talk to the agency, attorney or Birthparent about future contact.

Contact in an adoptive situation is really based on a continuum.  Instead of being completely black or white, completely open or closed, most adoptions actually fall somewhere in between.  For the sake of this article, I am going to talk about closed, semi-open and open adoptions.

In a closed adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents and adoptive parents never meet and once a placement occurs there is no contact.  Birthparents can still choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles if they wish.

In a semi-open adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  They typically meet before the baby is born.  They are usually on a first name basis only.  Once a placement occurs, adoptive parents and Birthparents exchange pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  They might meet in the future but it is usually done at a neutral place like a restaurant, park or adoption agency office.

In an open adoption, identifying information is shared between Birthparents and adoptive parents.  This can include last names, addresses and phone numbers.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  Once they choose a family, they then exchange identifying information.  Once a placement occurs, the Birthparents and adoptive parents maintain direct contact through the telephone, e-mail and face-to-face meetings without using somebody else as in intermediary.

What I see most of the time is people starting out in the semi-open phase first.  After they build a relationship and trust they then move more to the open phase and no longer need anyone as a go-between.  As with any relationship, you don’t typically jump in head first but take the opportunity to know another person.

These are the basic differences in the types of openness in adoption that you can have.  As you can see, you can work with Birthparents to come up with a plan that works for everyone.  It really is not a black or white decision but one that you can make that ranges anywhere along the continuum.  Whatever type of adoption you choose to have, you need to make sure that you are making the decision not only based on what is right for you but what is best and most healthy for your child and their future.
I get asked all the time about the difference between an open adoption and closed adoption and what openness means.  In this article I am going to focus on the difference between the two types of adoptions and in a later article I am going to talk about open adoption by itself because the latest trends in adoption have been leaning more towards openness.

Let me start by saying that whatever type of adoption you choose, it is a personal decision.  For some people, having a completely open adoption where direct contact occurs between Birthparents and adoptive parents is perfectly fine and works for them.  Other people feel more comfortable with sending pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  Still other adoptive parents and Birthparents choose to have a closed adoption and have no contact once a placement occurs.

No two adoptions are the same and no two situations are the same.  If you do a second adoption, what worked for the first might not work for the second.  It is important for you to do the research and decide what kind of adoption you feel comfortable with.  You never want to promise something that you feel you can’t do just to get a baby.  The more you discuss openness with your spouse in the beginning the better equipped you will be talk to the agency, attorney or Birthparent about future contact.

Contact in an adoptive situation is really based on a continuum.  Instead of being completely black or white, completely open or closed, most adoptions actually fall somewhere in between.  For the sake of this article, I am going to talk about closed, semi-open and open adoptions.

In a closed adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents and adoptive parents never meet and once a placement occurs there is no contact.  Birthparents can still choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles if they wish.

In a semi-open adoption no identifying information is shared between parties.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  They typically meet before the baby is born.  They are usually on a first name basis only.  Once a placement occurs, adoptive parents and Birthparents exchange pictures and letters through an agency, attorney or mutual third party.  They might meet in the future but it is usually done at a neutral place like a restaurant, park or adoption agency office.

In an open adoption, identifying information is shared between Birthparents and adoptive parents.  This can include last names, addresses and phone numbers.  Birthparents supply the adoptive parents with a social and medical history.  Birthparents choose an adoptive family through non-identifying picture profiles.  Once they choose a family, they then exchange identifying information.  Once a placement occurs, the Birthparents and adoptive parents maintain direct contact through the telephone, e-mail and face-to-face meetings without using somebody else as in intermediary.

What I see most of the time is people starting out in the semi-open phase first.  After they build a relationship and trust they then move more to the open phase and no longer need anyone as a go-between.  As with any relationship, you don’t typically jump in head first but take the opportunity to know another person.

These are the basic differences in the types of openness in adoption that you can have.  As you can see, you can work with Birthparents to come up with a plan that works for everyone.  It really is not a black or white decision but one that you can make that ranges anywhere along the continuum.  Whatever type of adoption you choose to have, you need to make sure that you are making the decision not only based on what is right for you but what is best and most healthy for your child and their future.

When you are discussing adoption with others, how you talk about adoption and the language you use can set the tone.  So much of the old adoption language was negative and has a negative connotation.  People often use this language without realizing how it can make a Birthparent, adoptive parent or adoptee feel.  It is up to us to teach others positive adoption language in the way we speak about adoption.

When talking about Birthparents, many people will refer to them as the natural parent or real parent.  This somehow gives the connotation that adoptive parents are not real or are somehow unnatural.  A friend of mine is an adoptive mother.  She went to the Emergency Room a few years ago.  When the nurse was filling out paperwork, she asked how many children she had and my friend said one.  When she asked how many live births she had, my friend said none.  After the nurse gave her a strange look, my friend explained that she had adopted her child.  The nurse then stated, “well we will just go back up and mark this one 0″.  Pretty much meaning that if you didn’t give birth, then you aren’t a real parent and that’s not her child.  My friend took that opportunity to give the nurse some adoption education.  People often say “does she have her real mother’s eyes” or “where is her real mother?”  Her real mother is right there having the conversation!

When you are talking about your adopted child, they are your child.  If you have biological and adopted children they are all your children.  Some people will ask which ones are yours, meaning that the adopted children are not yours.  They are all yours!  Along these same lines, your child was adopted not your child is adopted. Adoption is not a condition, it is an event.  It happens, it’s done and they are your child.

A child is placed for adoption not put up for adoption.  The term “put up” refers to the orphan trains that traveled through the Midwest in the early 1900s.  Children were “put up” on platforms at the train stations and families could come view the children, check them out and take home the ones that they wanted mainly to be used as farm hands.  “Put up” has a very negative connotation.

When a Birthmother makes an adoption plan, she does not adopt her child out, give the child up or give the child away.  I hate when someone says “she gave up her baby for adoption” or “I don’t know how anyone can give their baby away”.  It makes the baby sound like a thing, like a sweater that you can just give away.  When a Birthmother chooses adoption she makes an adoption plan.  She loves and cares for her child.  She is not just giving them away.

This is just a few of the many negative adoption terms that are floating around today.  As an adoptive parent, you do not want your child/children to feel as though adoption is a negative thing.  You want them to feel loved, to feel secure.  One of the ways you can do this is to help others to use positive adoption language and to take any negative connotation out of the adoption process.  It starts one person at a time, but it is a change that needs to be made.