Sometimes Birthparents and adoptive families choose to work together to make an open adoption agreement.  This agreement is typically a written document of the expectations that each party has regarding post placement contact.

Most states do not recognize open adoption agreements to be legally binding.  Instead they are a good way for everyone to be on the same page and to talk about the relationship that they hope to have after a baby is born and placed with the adoptive family.  Although an open adoption agreement is not a requirement in most states, it is often good practice for agencies, adoptions and families to use.

Since they are not legal agreements, it does not have to be a formal document.  Rather than be rigid in the expectations or things that each party agrees to do, it is better to be general and less formal about such subjects as time frames, amount of pictures or letters to be sent and when you plan to meet throughout the year.

Some of the things that are important to cover in open adoption agreements are: what type of contact you want to have, letters and pictures, the exchange of personal information and how to handle conflicts if they should arise.  Birthparents and adoptive families need to take the time to think about what is most important to them in the relationship.  I always like to say that it is easier to ask for things in the beginning then to try to totally alter a relationship once expectations and boundaries have been identified.  As with any relationship, an open relationship can change and grow as people’s lives change.

The first thing you need to decide on is what kind of contact you plan to have.  Are you going to have more of a semi-open adoption with just pictures and letters sent through an agency or are you going to have ongoing contact?  Do you plan to maintain contact throughout the child’s lifetime or for a specified amount of time?  How much openness do you feel comfortable with?

If you decide to send pictures and letters, you need to decide how often to send them and where to send them.  For instance, do you plan to send them twice a year or four times a year?  Are you going to send one picture or a bunch of pictures each time?  Will you send them directly to the Birthfamily or to the adoption agency or attorney?

When sharing personal information, some families choose to form a relationship with a Birthparent before giving personal information whereas other families choose to exchange addresses and phone numbers after the first meeting.  This varies from adoption to adoption because the circumstances and family dynamics of each adoption are different.

In any open adoption it is possible to experience some “bumps and bruises” along the way.  Someone might misunderstand something and get their feelings hurt.  There might be a previous set boundary that was crossed.  It is good to consider how you would like to handle these things if they ever arise.  For instance maintaining contact with a third party such as an adoption agency can be helpful if you ever need an intermediary.  It is a good idea to talk about having this contact, counseling or help outlined in the adoption agreement.

There are two things that you need to keep in mind when putting together an open adoption agreement.  First of all, never promise anything that you know that you don’t intend to keep.  If you know that you don’t feel comfortable with future meetings then don’t tell a Birthparent that you want a completely open relationship if you know you won’t follow through with this in the end.  As with any relationship, there has to be some compromise on both sides in order for it to work.

The second thing you need to do is to not be rigid with time frames in the adoption agreement.  For instance, it is better to state that you are going to send pictures or letters four times a year instead of saying you are going to send them a certain day four months a year.  If you can’t get them to the Birthparent by the date that you mention, there can be misunderstandings or feelings hurt.  Life gets busy and it isn’t always easy to know that you can do something like meet three years from now on the 15th of June.

For more information about open adoption agreements, I encourage you to explore the subject with your local adoption agency or to read books about open adoption such as The Open Adoption Experience.  The more comfortable you are with working with the Birthparents to come up with an agreement the better it is for everyone in the end.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 9th, 2006 at 1:18 am and is filed under Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.