As I write this article, I have just returned from conducting one of our home study groups for the adoption agency where I work.  Today my job was to talk about if an adoption fails.  This is such a heavy subject and the worse possible scenario for any adoptive parent.  However, we have decided that it is still important to talk about this subject because if an adoptive family is faced with the grief and loss surrounding a failed placement, it is important for them to know where to start to get help in the grieving process.

When you are chosen by a Birthparent, you enter what I call the “cautiously optimistic” stage.  You are extremely excited, nervous and scared all at the same time.  This is the phone call that you have been waiting to get for so long, yet you want to guard yourself somewhat just in case things don’t go through.  This is a hard place to be.  At this point you need to think about who you want to tell.  Do you want to tell everyone or just a few close friends and family members?  Do you want to wait to meet the Birthmother before you share the news with anyone?

Once you are selected, you have already begun to form an attachment to the baby.  This is the baby of your hopes and dreams.  The more time that passes between the time you are selected and when an adoption fails, the harder the grieving process.  If you have met the Birthmother, if you were present in the hospital, if you helped name the baby and if you bring the baby into your home all affect your level of attachment and the grief that you will face if the Birthparents decide to parent instead of making an adoption plan.

Grieving the loss of a child through a failed adoption is very similar to the loss of a child through death in many ways. Where it differs is the fact that there is no closure, no ritual to mark the ending and there is still a child out there somewhere.  Many people who have not been through adoption or a failed adoption can not fully understand the scope of your grieving.  Yet, this is such a significant loss in your life and one that will affect you in many ways even after you adopt another child.

For this reason, it is important to allow yourself to grieve.  Seek counseling at your adoption agency.  Ask if there is someone to speak with who has been through a similar situation.  Tell your story and talk about your grief.  Keep a journal.  Avoid situations that can cause you more grief, such as baby showers, until you feel ready to attend them again.  Don’t let people put a time limit on your grief.  If the Birthmother changed her mind in the hospital, people might wonder how you can feel so sad when the baby wasn’t even in your home.  This was your child if only for a short period of time, if only through the possibility of adoption, so of course you will grieve.  If the baby spent some time in your home, you have an even more intense level of grief.  One mother described the time between getting the call that the Birthmother had decided to parent and when the adoption agency came for the baby as feeling as though they were preparing for a funeral, that their child was dying.  They gathered her stuff, chose an outfit for her to go home in and stayed up all night with her.  It was an intense pain that took a long time to work through.  Some people let her grieve whereas others almost seemed to act as though she should be over it one week later.  It was almost as if they were saying that because this was a child through adoption rather than birth that the loss should be somehow less.

When we see a Birthmother change her mind, it is typically in the hospital or right before birth.  It is very rare for a Birthmother to change her mind once a child has been placed.  In nine years of working in adoptions, I have only seen it happen one time after placement.  But, one time is enough.  Most agencies will let adoptive families know if they have some concerns, if a Birthparent is having a hard time or considering parenting.  If we are working with a Birthmother who is having a tough time in the hospital, we offer interim care to her for the baby.  This gives the Birthmother time to get home from the hospital and be able to think through her decision again instead of placing the baby directly with the adoptive family.  This is a protection for the Birthmother and the adoptive family.

If you get the call that a Birthparent has changed their mind, consider having someone to call who will take care of calling other people.  This way you don’t have to worry about telling the story over and over again until you are ready to do so.  Let this person be the contact person for a while until you feel ready to accept phone calls.  Have them talk to your employer so that your co-workers will know what happened and you won’t be faced with questions when you finally return to work.

If you are faced with an adoption that falls through you are not alone.  Local adoption agencies can offer you counseling or can steer you to a support group in the area. You can also find support groups and forums online to help you and support you.  The main thing for you to do is to let yourself grieve and take the time that you need to be able to say goodbye to your child in some way, whether it be writing a letter or having some sort of ceremony to find closure.  There is no need to rush the grieving process and no time line for the grieving process to end.  Taking the time to find some sort of peace and closure is very important for your healing and for your attachment with the child that you will eventually welcome into your family in the future.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 11th, 2006 at 1:07 am and is filed under Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.