If you are one of the many couples experiencing secondary infertility, you know how hard this can be.  It is a mixture of emotions.  You are happy for the child/children you have yet you long for more.  You feel guilty for wanting more.  You are like a member of two clubs.  On one side you are a Mom and on the other side you are longing to be an expectant Mom again.  People don’t understand why you are sad.

People say unpleasant, ignorant or hurtful things as it is when you are having fertility problems.  Secondary infertility brings out a whole new host of comments.  “Don’t you want any more children?”  “You don’t want him to be an only child, do you?”  “You already have one child, you should feel blessed.”  Even friends that you have that are going through their own fertility problems might not lend you an sympathetic ear, often pointing out that you should be happy with the child you have.

The thing is, you do feel blessed.  But, at the same time, you still have the longing for another child, the longing for a brother or sister for your child.  Because of all these conflicting messages and feelings you end up feeling all alone, as though you have no one to talk to who will truly understand what you are going through.  You need someone to empathize not to offer “helpful” comments that just end up making you feel even more guilty and alone.

First of all, I want to say that experiencing secondary infertility is just as hard, just as emotional as having fertility problems and no children.  In fact, it is more difficult in some senses.  On top of the grief, sadness and loss associated with fertility problems, you have the guilt of wanting what you already have again and the sense that you should not feel sad because you have what so many others don’t.  Many couples experiencing secondary infertility tend to stuff these feelings and emotions deep down inside because there is nobody to share them with.

Anytime you are experiencing grief and loss, hiding or ignoring your emotions doesn’t make them go away.  You just keep storing them until you finally can’t hold them in anymore.  Before you get to that point, you need to find a way to express what you are going through.

Consult with your fertility doctor to see if there is a counselor in the area that specializes in fertility issues.  Search out a local fertility support group.  If you don’t feel comfortable with either of these options, I would highly encourage you to join an online support group or network of women experiencing secondary infertility.  It is a way for you to finally connect with someone who can validate every thought and emotion you are having now.

You need to realize that you are not alone, that there are other women and couples going through the same thing that you are.  It might take you reaching out a little to get the help, encouragement and support that you need.  Secondary infertility is a difficult place to be and you should never let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do for whatever reason.  Feelings, pain, loss and sadness are all real emotions.  Don’t let anyone make you feel differently.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 19th, 2006 at 3:53 am and is filed under Fertility. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.