“Absolutely not” was the response a good friend of mine and her husband had when their doctor first approached them with the idea of using donor eggs for an IVF cycle.  I first met my friend when she and her husband were considering adoption.  She then joined my fertility support group and we were able to follow her through the process that brought her to using donor eggs.  She now has a three-year-old son and one-year-old twin girls.

The decision to use donor egg or sperm is a very personal choice.  Once you come to the decision that you want to do use a donor program, most clinics will even require that you talk to a counselor surrounding the emotional aspects of using donated eggs or sperm.  It is not counseling to determine if you are a “fit” person, it is counseling to discuss how having a child that will be genetically related to only one parent might affect you and your relationship with that child in the future.

As my friend was going through the counseling to make the decision, she finally came to the terms that biologically the children are hers.  It was her biology, her body that was providing nourishment for her children to grow.  She began to recognize the difference between genetics and biology.  She would still be her child’s birthmother and that was important to her.

Once they decided to pursue an egg donor program and went through some counseling, they began the next step of choosing a donor.  When choosing an egg donor or sperm donor, you are actually able to read through background information on the donors to pick a donor that matches your needs.  This background information is not just height, weight and eye color, it is an extensive social and medical history on the donor and his family, typically going back to grandparents.  You will get information about any mental health or medical issues that are recurring in their family.  All of the information you receive is non-identifying and donations are done anonymously.

When choosing a donor, some couples look for a donor that matches as closely to their spouse’s social and medical history as possible.  Other couples choose a donor based on good medical and mental health history, which might be a better medical background than their own.

When choosing a sperm donor, you will more than likely be choosing from sperm that has already been donated and frozen.  When choosing donor eggs, you will actually go through the IVF process along with the donor.  Whereas she will be taking medications to stimulate egg production, you will be taking medications to prepare your body for transfer of the embryos when they are ready to be transferred.

IVF or IUIs using a sperm donor do not typically cost much more than going through the process without a sperm donor.  IVF with an egg donor typically costs between $8,000-$15,000 more than IVF without an egg donor.

Before choosing to do a donor program, you need to weigh the pros and cons of using a donor with your spouse versus the pros and cons of other options such as adoption.  It needs to be a decision that you come to together instead of a decision that one of you gives into in order to appease your spouse.  It was to be done with peace and acceptance in order for you to fully accept and love your child.

I would encourage you to read more about donor programs and to talk to men or women who have done a donor program.  Nobody knows what you are going through better than someone who has been in your same situation.  You can find support at a local fertility support group or an online fertility support group.  Ask all the questions you need to ask and feel 100% comfortable with your decision before proceeding.  I hope that the information in this article helps you in your journey and decision making process.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 18th, 2006 at 2:28 am and is filed under Fertility. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.