When you become the parent of multiples, it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that because they were born just minutes apart, they should be doing everything else at the same time, or at least in close proximity.  You lose site of the fact that they are each individual little human beings with different personalities who will reach their developmental milestones at different times, sometimes weeks or months apart.

Everything from walking, talking and smiling to eating, singing and counting will more than likely happen at distinctly different times.  Parents with children who are born years apart find it easier to recognize different personalities and to not read into developmental differences as much as parents of multiples whose children are experiencing everything at the same time.

As your children grow, you will begin to understand that their personalities play a big role in their development.  For instance, one of your multiples might be more social from the beginning and might start talking and gibbering more than the others.  The other children, in turn, might not feel like they have to talk yet because their brother or sister can answer all the questions or does enough talking for all of them put together.

My son started smiling early.  It took his twin sister forever to smile.  I began to get worried.  Was she not happy?  Was something wrong?  Could she not hear well?  What we have discovered is that she is just the serious one (most of the time).  She likes to check things and objects out, look them over, really think about them before she decides how she feels about them and whether or not she wants to share a smile.

A friend of mine with quads said that one of her children began crawling over a month before the others.  If any of them wanted anything, he would crawl and get it for them.  If there was a need for a bottle, snack, toy or blankie, he was on the move.  The funny thing was, none of them could talk at that time, he just seemed to sense what they needed.  He also started walking first and is still the most active of all of them.

For some multiples, having a sibling that learns things first is an incentive for them to start doing the same thing.  With our twins, such things moving to a sippy cup, trying different foods, saying ABCs and counting have all happened within days of each other.  It was almost as though one of them had to take the big step to try something new and the other one felt like it seemed like a good idea.

Other milestones, such as smiling, talking, rolling over, crawling and walking, happened 2-6 weeks apart.  It doesn’t mean that either of them experienced a developmental delay, it just means that they did it when they were ready.  However, as parents, you constantly wonder why they aren’t both doing the same thing at the same time.  We just had to learn to let it go.

They are both individuals, just as all multiples are individuals.  Even identical multiples learn things at different rates.  Don’t worry as long as they are reaching their milestones within the guidelines given by your pediatrician.  If you have any questions or concerns about development differences, don’t hesitate to talk to their doctor about it.  Afterall, you are their parent and you are with them every day.  If there are some delays that concern your doctor, the earlier they are addressed the better.

So, enjoy their little individual personalities.  Don’t compare them and realize that they have their own characteristics that will affect how and when they learn something.  You will be amazed at the bond and relationship that they form with each other and how they will influence each other’s development as well.

Before our twins arrived, my husband and I had dated for 2 years and had been married for 5 ½ years.  We had more than 7 years together where it was just the two of us.  For seven years we only had to basically worry about each other.  We would go on day trips, fix each other special dinners, go out to lunch in the middle of the work day and basically did whatever we wanted to do whenever we wanted to do.

We were so excited to finally have the opportunity to be parents after almost four years of fertility problems.  We planned for their arrival and enjoyed spending as much time together as we could.  We knew that things would change when the babies arrived, but I don’t think either of us knew how much it would change.

For the first three months or so, we were just trying to stay above water.  After a 4-5 week stint in the NICU, we were around the clock baby caregivers.  At the end of the day, after the babies were taken care of we didn’t have a lot of energy left over to put into our relationship.  That doesn’t mean that we had problems, it just meant we literally didn’t have any energy at times to even have a meaningful conversation other than “I love you” and “goodnight”.

About the time our twins turned three months, we began to feel like we were on more solid ground.  They were on the same schedule, they were able to be amused with toys for short periods of time and we were actually able to chat about what happened during the day, what we wanted to cook for dinner or to discuss a TV show or magazine article that we had read.

Our leisurely Sunday mornings spent reading the newspaper and lounging in PJs before church sort of returned too.  We were able to read the newspaper or take turns reading to each other as the other one changed diapers or played with babies.

We are avid boaters, but the boat stayed in storage that first summer.  One thing that we found enjoyable was to pack the kids in the car, pack a lunch and drive to the lake.  The kids would snooze in the back of the car and we would picnic in the front seat.  It was fun and was a much needed break for all of us to get out of the house for a bit.

After the kids went to sleep at night, we would sit on the side porch and have a date with cheese and wine (well fake wine since I was breast feeding).  Just taking the time to stop whatever we were doing for 15 minutes to give each other our undivided attention was important and helped us to reconnect.

Now that the kids are over two, we have gone on a few real dates and we relax together in the afternoon on the weekends when the kids nap.  We’ll read the paper, sit on the side porch and talk or enjoy an afternoon cookie snack.  We have learned to better balance our attention to the children, ourselves and each other so that we feel like our relationship is stronger than ever.

When you first bring your children home, it may seem like it will be forever before you will have the energy to devote time to your relationship again.  That time will come.  In the meantime, look for ways that you can make time to spend some time with your spouse each day even if it is just for 20 minutes over baby bottles and dirty diapers while holding two, three or four sleeping babies.

When you bring your multiples home from the hospital, your life will change in many ways.  One of the biggest changes you will experience is there is no longer such a thing as “me” time.  At least it might seem that way because you will be so caught up in changing diapers, feeding and keeping their schedules that there is no time left at the end of the day.

Yes, as a new parent you can expect that to happen for the most part.  When you sign up for parenting multiples you are signing up for a lifestyle change.  What you need to realize is that you need to make time for yourself, even if it is just 5-10 minutes out of the day.  While that might not seem like a lot of time, it can make all the difference in the world to your sanity and can actually refresh you for the rest of the day.

It took me a long time to realize this.  I was determined to be the best Mommy in the world.  I had waited a long time for the blessing of my twins and I threw myself in head first.  There would be no complaining about lack of sleep or no time to scrapbook.  This was my job now and every single second needed to be devoted to them.

What I realized after about 3 months was that, in order to be the best Mommy in the world, I had to take a little break every now and then.  I actually found this out in a simple way.  One afternoon the kids were playing in their bouncy seats and I looked at my toes and calculated whether or not I had the time to paint my nails.  Would I be neglecting them if they hung out in their seats for 5 minutes while I did something for myself?  This might seem like a stupid question to many of you.  Of course it would be ok to paint my nails!  They were having a fun time laughing in their seats and playing with the toys dangling over their heads.

So I got out my nail polish and painted my toenails, something that had not been done for almost 3 months since they were born early and spent time in the NICU.  So I got out the polish and took pampered my toes.  When I was finished, I realized that they were still having a good time and I wasn’t “neglecting” them.  They were perfectly fine and it was perfectly fine for me to do something for myself.

After that day, I made it a point to do something for myself each day.  I would read a few articles in a People Magazine or read a chapter in a book.  I kept my nails looking good.  Some days I would treat myself to a Frappacino or make a beaded bracelet.  Although I still devoted a majority of my day to my children, I began to realize how important it was to give 15 minutes to myself each day too.

I also began to make it a point to get outside, even if it was just for 10-15 minutes.  Fresh air was important to me and to the children.  We began to take a daily stroll, weather permitting.  On hot or cold days we would stroll in the mall for a short period of time.  It was good for them to experience different sights and smells and good for me to get out of the house.

From my first two wonderful years with my children, one of the biggest things I have learned is that it is important for my well being and their well being to do something for myself every now and then.  It doesn’t make me a bad parent to go for coffee with a friend every now and then or even read a magazine while they look at books.  In fact, I believe that it has helped me to be a better parent.  For this reason, I encourage you to make time for yourself when you have multiples.  It is more challenging the first few months, but once things slow down, find what it is that you are missing or needing and treat yourself to a few minutes of personal time each day.